So today was a whirlwind day with consequently a whirlwind of emotion.
Usually, when I get woken up early, I know already it's going to be a horrible day- and it kind of seemed like that. I was supposed to walk to class with 2 people from my dorm, but one girl, my usual savior, overslept, so there I was left left the one of the most annoying people on the planet. Then in my first class we had a pop quiz which I am not quite sure how I did on- it can go either way (usually that means horribly). However, I got back to my dorm after that class and took a nap and felt much much better and ate one of the best lunches since I got here (and talked to my mom which was good and bad). My only other class for the day went well as well and I went back to my dorm and did some homework and stressed the f*** out!
Later in the evening I had to go to my "Meet my Gamma Chi" night, which I wasn't nervous at all about, until I got there. Then I started to panic again, almost not breathing on my walk home. It didn't help when I arrived back to my room, my roommate was sleeping so I basically couldn't even enter. I grabbed my books and went to the study rooms in the basement (which is basically where I live) and continued to STRUGGLE through my homework.
Then I realized that my phone charger broke and that was kind of my final straw. I literally had a meltdown and went to every girl on my floor trying to find one I can borrow (I found one!) but I hate asking people to borrow things but I borrowed the charger and then went back to my room trying to find my adapter to my iHome because I could charge it that way and that mysterious went missing. At this point I was one comment away from balling my eyes out (I don't handle stress well).
However, as I sit here in the laundry room, rewinding because I have barely any cell service, and still trying to resist crying, I can't help to think why I need so much reassurance from everyone. I keep thinking about how in the past days I have doubted everything. literally EVERYTHING. I have struggled through school and tough classes before, why am I doubting myself now? Why do I need someone to tell me everything is going to be okay when I know it is? Why do I need one of these sorority houses to accept me to prove to me somehow that I am pretty and likable? Why?
I've gotten through these struggles before, why do I doubt that I can't get through them now?
As the read over two or three old journal entries last night, I couldn't help to notice a common theme- perfection. Yes, it is no lie whatsoever that I am perfectionist but at some point does it become too much? At some point do I have to give up trying? That's the issue for me, I hate giving up. I can't fathom the fact that I could actually give up on something that could have been attainable or something that I really really want. Perfection is something that I really want.
I can go back earliest to being at my dad's house when I was in forth grade, trying to make sure I did everything right and was perfect, although that is a whole other story of it's own and in my opinion, the need for being perfect there was justified. I still can't help to think that is a little peculiar for a 9 year old to be so set on being perfect.
Although I know that I will never be perfect, I actually truly know this, I still, somehow, try to be. I still get angry with myself when I mess up or do that "imperfect" thing. The thing is, I don't know how to stop it, I don't know how to change myself to get this perfection ideal gone. So, until then, I think I am stuck.
As almost everyone knows, I am panicky person. Well, this time is no exception. I AM FREAKING OUT.
As almost everyone and everything says, college is so much different then being at home. I always thought it really wouldn't be that much of a change because I was used to being home alone and I didn't relay on my mom for much- usually just laundry. I always knew when I had to study and never had to be reminded to do homework. I always had my goals and stuck to them, I also tried really hard to be the perfect daughter, which was never achieved.
So, as I put to close my first week of college, I started to realize that when I wasn't in my orientation group I hollowed out in my dorm room. I only went out when I was kind of- in a way that they didn't know- forced to go to things with my semi "friends". Normally, I am not the type of girl to go out and do a bunch of things. The only reason I had so many activities in high school was because my mom forced them upon me- which I am forever grateful for. Now, I have to kind of force myself to leave my humble abode ( #reasonsnottobringanxboxtocollege).
Social obviously hasn't been a big thing in forever, but academic has. But, I don't even feel the need to go to academic preview sessions and what not. My reasoning is that I will psych myself out and make myself more stressed than I already am, which is a totally legit reason for me- it happens way to much. I'm kind of just planning to show up on the first day of class and go with the ideas and type of studying/time management that I know best. Is that actually the best idea, no. But, its kind of too late to change it, isn't it?
Meanwhile, it doesn't help that my wireless router keeps going in an out of working, I can not for the living sake of me figure out how to set up my printer, my fridge and microwave have yet to be delivered even though we ordered it a week before I moved in, and my roommate is crazy. I have come to take a sanctuary in my tumblr and online shopping as always.
I've said this prayer (the Prayer for Success) so many times junior and senior year and although I didn't think it would help and was just words- and even after that big test or paper- and I still did as poorly as i thought I did. Overall, I succeed- I go to a BIG TEN UNIVERSITY- which I keep having to tell myself, so I feel like it helped me.
Today was move in day and let me just say- it was a long day. My move in time was 9AM but I didn't really get up into my room until around 10- and let me just say, this dorm is the farthest on campus, but I love it.
Prior to arriving, I took the tours online and what not and I was freaking out because I am a classic over-packer. When I got into the room, it looked just as I pictured it and as it was picture, everything accept the closet- which is walk in and amazing!
I absolutely love the way my room came together! Literally, I couldn't ask for anything better! My closet is a little messy (as always) but I really really love it!
Well, she isn't the greatest but she isn't the worst. She's a little weird and kind of creepy but I really need to count my blessings and remember, it could always be worse.
Knowing no one here is a struggle in and of itself. But, I met a really nice girl on my floor who went to the same kind of high school as me, played the same field hockey position as me, and so much more. We went to the kick off party together and made some other friends- a few in my dorm- and it was a pretty good time besides the fact the NO ONE has the same interests as me. I am a super weird person in the first place, I guess.